The wagon

I am off the wagon again. What the hell is wrong with me? I make these promises to myself and I get all fired up...and then I find myself bloated after a weeklong junk food binge.
Today we drove a short way to take my daughter to the snow. The idea was to go sledding. I had to stay in the car. You see, the packed snow that my husband and daughter were jumping and running on could not support my weight. They could JUMP on it. I tried walking on it so I could at least take pics of them sledding. No go. I sunk in hip deep. I couldnt get out. It took my husband several attempts to get me out of the hole I had created. I tried again. I sunk again....and managed to hurt my bad knee quiet badly. I spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in the car while my husband and daughter sledded without me. I was so ANGRY. My husband held my hand and told me it was ok, and said he understood. He doesnt. I love him, but he doesnt understand.
I find myself wondering when exactly it was that I stopped noticing and stopped caring how big I got. How do you wake up at 300 pounds and not know how you got here? I am so furious at myself. This has to stop. I can not spend the rest of my life feeling like this or missing out on fun times with my family.
How do I stay on the wagon? Is there a seatbelt?