New plans

I am now up to 340 pounds. Instead of losing weight in the past few months I have gained it....30 pounds.

I had my wedding reception, wore my beautiful dress....and looked horrible.

I am so deep in self hatred now. My butt no longer fits in my desk chair. I sit in my recliner on my laptop, or I use a kitchen chair at my desk.

I am a room mother at my daughters school. Yet I can't go on field trips with them because I can not walk more than a block without needing an ambulance, or stand for more than a few minutes at a time. I can no longer consider my self a great mother. I cant even take my daughter to the Fair...because I know I wont fit on the rides and she is to small to ride by herself. I am pathetic.

I have one friend left. No support. No followers or readers here. I am alone in this. I know that I can not continue on this road, but I dont know how to stop it. Weight watchers? Might be worth a try. OA? Possibly. I just dont know. I am still working on it.

I havent given up here....just trying to decide the best way to get to where I want to go.

IGIGI wedding dress

I read about IGIGI on the pastaqueen blog. It is an online formalwear stop that caters to plus size women. Did that sound politically correct? Really they make gorgeous dresses for big girls. I needed a simple, elegant, white dress for my upcoming wedding reception. I called the number I found on their website. You see...I did not want to order something so important without trying it on. I taked to a very sweet young lady who told me I could come to their headquarters in San Francisco and try on as many dresses as I wanted. Since I live only a few hours away I decided to do just that.
When I arrived I noticed that this is where the magic actually happens. There were sewing machines and patterns. There was a sewing dummy...and when I saw it I knew I was in the right place! It had padding in all the right places, duct taped on. They had made a fat girl sewing dummy. I knew then that they werent just making skinny girl clothes cut bigger. They were cutting for plus size shapes, for girls who have bodies like mine.
The girls helping me were 2 very cute, very thin girls. Oddly...I never felt out of place. They made me feel beautiful. They had pulled every single wedding dress style they make. The one I loved onine I ended up hating in person. The one I hated online I fell in love with and bought as soon as I saw it on. These 2 girls treated me with respect and with dignity. The designer was there and told them to give me 20% off...which was nice. I told her I already had the 20% coupon from pastaqueens blog...I hope she gets some sort of credit for it.
IGIGI isnt just beautiful clothes....it is really great staff. They made picking my dress a happy occasion. For just a moment I got to forget that I was fat, that I was what most people see as ugly. It was what every bride deserves when picking her dress.
The dress itself is just beautiful. The online picture doesn't begin to do it justice. After my reception I will post a picture of me in it..and maybe you can see what I mean. My only fear is that if I lose any weight it may not fit. I am hoping that if that happens the company might have a good exchange policy. I will try to the pic up from the IGIGI site.

Competition!

I have decided that I am going to join a local weight loss competition. It is an annual thing with nice shinny prizes and a $100 entrance fee. It includes like 4 group training sessions a week. I am hoping that the combination of competition, scheduled training, and hanging with other people who have similar goals will help me. Will it work? Maybe. The bigger issue for me is how to stop eating. I am hungry all the time....Im not exagerating. I am always hungry. I can eat a whole large pizza and be starving half an hour later. I wonder if it is a medical problem or if everyone feels this way and just controls it better. I will pork out on salad too...not just junk. I am constantly starving.
I have discovered I am lactose intolerant. It sucks, and it doesnt. Cutting out dairy can only help my weight loss efforts. Tell me all you want that milk helps weight loss, its crap. Cows milk is meant to do only one thing: Turn a 60 pound calf into a 600 pound cow. Cows milk is meant for cow babies! It is not meant to be slurped down by the gallon by 300 pound overweight women. People get grossed out when a chef makes cheese out of his wifes breast milk and lets people sample it...yet we drink gallons of a dirty animals breast milk without a thought. I have always loved milk, but after thinking about it I know I can live without it.
I have no readers, so I wonder why I even write this. Maybe someday someone will read it and know that they are not alone. That would be nice. Right now I feel alone. I read some great blogs. I read pastaqueens blog, and dietgirl. I love them. But they are women who have already made this journey. They are no longer standing at the starting line knowing that they may never finish the race. I am such a cry baby. lol
I will try to post more often....and actually start losing weight on this weight loss blog. :)

The wagon

I am off the wagon again. What the hell is wrong with me? I make these promises to myself and I get all fired up...and then I find myself bloated after a weeklong junk food binge.
Today we drove a short way to take my daughter to the snow. The idea was to go sledding. I had to stay in the car. You see, the packed snow that my husband and daughter were jumping and running on could not support my weight. They could JUMP on it. I tried walking on it so I could at least take pics of them sledding. No go. I sunk in hip deep. I couldnt get out. It took my husband several attempts to get me out of the hole I had created. I tried again. I sunk again....and managed to hurt my bad knee quiet badly. I spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in the car while my husband and daughter sledded without me. I was so ANGRY. My husband held my hand and told me it was ok, and said he understood. He doesnt. I love him, but he doesnt understand.
I find myself wondering when exactly it was that I stopped noticing and stopped caring how big I got. How do you wake up at 300 pounds and not know how you got here? I am so furious at myself. This has to stop. I can not spend the rest of my life feeling like this or missing out on fun times with my family.
How do I stay on the wagon? Is there a seatbelt?

Reception headaches and the in laws

I eloped on 2/2/10. I thought that by eloping we had saved ourselves the headaches that go along with wedding planning....I was soooo wrong. See, we decided to throw a reception to make up for leaving everyone out when we got married. I am blonde, what can I say? So now I am knee deep in a sea of reception stress. We set a date and booked a venue only to find out that my parents in law will be on vacation and unavailable that weekend. My sister in law also pointed out that because we had set it for the day before Mothers day that I must be crazy. So I called venue....booked through the entire summer, not a single date open. Grrrr. So now we are shopping for a new venue with a new date. I didnt really care if we had a reception, then after I saw our first venue and really started imagining it I really started to get excited. I didnt get to wear a white dress and walk down an isle for my wedding, so I deserve this right? But now I am slightly heartbroken, because our perfect venue is not going to happen now. By the way, my sister in law is down right thrilled that our date has to be changed. She seems to not care at all that this has really screwed up what is supposed to be a very happy day for my husband and I. But our original date inconvenienced her....so she has no problem being happy about it. I digress.

I found a gorgeous dress I want to wear and am going to try it on this coming Friday. It is simple, white, 3/4 length sleeves. I love 3/4 length sleeves.....greatest fashion invention of all time. Seriously. Anyway, my sister in law informs me today that because of the sleeves this is a winter dress and I shouldnt wear it. There are a few tank top type dresses that would be more appropriate for a spring reception according to her. If I didnt have arms the size of tree trunks I might agree with her. But I am not comfortable in short sleeves, at all. If I get a "spring" dress then I am going to end up wearing a big wrap or jacket anyway. She made it clear she thinks the dress with the longer sleeves is bad and inappropriate. I really dont care what she thinks. She has made it more clear than ever that she does not understand what it is like to feel like the ugliest person alive just because her upper arms (or any other body part) is showing. She is about 50 pounds overweight herself, but no where near where I am at.

I messed up last night. I have been doing fairly well with my eating this week. Then last night I decided to do some drinking. 2 shots and 2 beers. This is not the end of the world...but for that many calories I could have had a sandwich or maybe some ice cream. It was stupid and a waste of calories. I dread my Friday weigh in because I just dont feel like I have lost anything this week, even with my improved eating. I really need to throw a few work outs into my routine.

Will let you you know how the dress shopping goes. It is at IGIGI...an online plus size dress place. They also happen to have their headquarters a few hours from me, so I am driving up to try some stuff on. I will do a review when I get back. :)

Happy hump day!

D Day!!!

Weigh in: 310

I want to cry. 310 lbs! How the hell did I get here?

I just keep telling myself that I don't have to do this for the rest of my life, I just need to do it for TODAY. I need to get through one day at a time. Telling myself this is not helping my headache. My head hurts so bad. Sadly I know that a nice big carb heavy meal followed by cheesecake would help my headache. I have diet headache. I wonder if this is an actual medical illness. It should be. Maybe I need rehab. I wonder how long it is going to take this time before the headaches stop.

I am cleaning the house to avoid eating. Every time I feel myself gravitating toward the kitchen I find some new area of my house to clean. This place is going to be spotless before the weekend is over.

The night before D-day

I guess this is my introduction. My baby steps into the world of blogging. I always liked keeping a diary...so maybe this will be good for me.

I am a 29 year old mother of a beautiful 5 year old daughter. I got married last month to a wonderful man who loves her like she is his own. We eloped while on vacation, and now have to throw a big reception for family and friends in a few months.....we just set the date this week. So tomorrow is D day. D as in diet.....again.

I am 5'2 and currently weigh right around 300 pounds. I stopped weighing myself near Christmas, so not sure of the exact number. Tomorrow will be weigh in day.

I wasn't always fat (though I was always loud). I was a thin girl, an athletic teen and young adult. I was the girl that turned heads when I walked in the door. Letting go of that girl is hard! I still think I am her sometimes. It doesn't always fully register that she is gone. I got my ass stuck in a window trying to break in to my own house once...because it really did not occur to me that I wouldn't fit through a small bathroom window. I still saw myself as that thin girl. I see pictures of myself and it is like looking at someone else. I told ONE person that story the day after it happened....everyone at work was calling me winnie the poo before the day was over. It was great fun.

I have adult ADD too! Its fun! Its a constant game I play with myself to see how many things I can forget to do in a single day. Thanks to the fact that I recently lost my job and great health insurance I am no longer on my meds for this fun little condition. I dont know how I am going to follow a diet with my ADD as bad as it is right now. The effect on my impulse control is incredible. But I have to try. ADD can not be an excuse for me to become one of those people that has to be cut out of my own house.

So....this time I am going with the calorie cutting method. I have tried all the other fun diets out there. Calorie counting and working out. I hate calorie counting, the only thing I hate more is working out. lol

My husband is active. He snowboards, hikes, rides his bike. He loves to be out doing something. He is not a chubby chaser. He was not physically attracted to me when we started dating. We had been introduced 4 years ago by friends....and we became friends. Then one drunk night about year ago we "hooked up". He loves me for my mind, my spirit, for who I am. He does NOT love the fat package. Don't get me wrong, he thinks I am beautiful. But his attraction to me is based on love and respect, not my hot body. He wants me to be able to do things with him. He wants to be able to take family ski trips, go for walks, head to yosemite for a day of hiking. I have a hard time walking to my car sometimes. My husband wants my outside to reflect what he sees on the inside. I want the same thing. He has made me a gym at home. Our garage has been converted for the past few months..though I haven't used it. We have a treadmill, eliptical, weights, balance ball...all kinds of crap.

My end goal is to get to 140 pounds. That is just over half my weight. My mini goal is to lose at least 30 pounds before my wedding reception in 50 days. God help me...I havent even started yet and I am already craving cheesecake!